I’m tired. I’m stressed. I want it to be Fall. Or even next month.

I want to do big things with my life. Even if they are only things I can appreciate. Next year I want to be at art school scared shitless and be gutsy and push my limits and try and meet new people and bathe in all of it. Now that I’m making $10 an hour dishing out carbs I want to start saving money. I’m also interning at the Conrad Wilde gallery, and I am terrified I’m going to drop something expensive or spill someone’s nonfatsugafreenofoamhalfcafaddashotvanillalatte all over something expensive.

Can I just be an astronomer or an astronaut? I wish I was smarter.

Sewing class is good. I’m the golden example & get bombarded with questions from everyone. But that isn’t saying much since it is a beginning clothing construction class.

I moved out. I do a lot of dishes & make a lot of meals. I am a housewife.

I wish I could form sentences instead of spitting up nervous laughter when a stranger says I’m pretty. And I also wish these strangers didn’t have girlfriends.

My body won’t let me fall asleep until 2am. And that’s on a good night, and that’s even if I wake up at 6:30, 7, 7:30.

Starting monday I’m going to have to start waking up at 4:30am. I actually love that. I appreciated my morning shifts because they were incredibly quiet and the temperature was mild. When I get to work it is an unspoken rule that the talking is to a minmum, especially even if the sun hasn’t risen yet. I also like the drive because no one is on the road and I have a wonderful view of the sun rising. Well I used to on my way to the old store, hopefully I still do. I’m no good with cardinal directions. Never take me camping, but if you do, one thing I can do is hook worms, they don’t bother me. I have thought about it, and unless buildings get in my way, I should have a view of the sun rising.

I am ready for winter. My coats are collecting dust.

80

Out of nowhere, this conversation occurred.

Phoebe: Would you A. Stop being friends with me. B. Think I was really gross. C. Be really offended or D. Think, “Oh, that’s just Phoebe!” if I picked my nose right now?

Me: Why don’t you just get a tissue?

Phoebe: Okay, way to be all grown up about it *leaves the room for a tissue*

I love her.

79

I can’t even begin to explain today’s events. But I’d just like to say that this will be an upsetting entry so if you don’t want to hear what I’m about to say, I totally understand and I advise you to not read on.

Today I made a trip with my fellow classmates to San Francisco. We went to a photographer’s studio and listened to her speak and then went over to De Young and perused around and I saw the Warhol Exhibit. I was in an amazing mood. I was in San Francisco and the weather was amazing and I had just seen some amazing art.

Next we went to take a stroll on the Golden Gate Bridge and I brought my coat and my camera and that was all. It’s about a mile long, I believe. It was windy but in a nice, refreshing way. I used a whole roll of film on this walk because I have never been on the Golden Gate Bridge and for some reason it was a really big thing for me. We all stopped at an inlet on the bridge to take photos and stare at the dolphins. Jason mentioned that he had walked on that bridge many times before and not once has he ever seen dolphins. We walked for a bit longer and we came to another inlet. I was behind everyone else because I lagged while I was taking photos along the way. Everyone was lined up along the rail peering down and I thought it was cute because everyone was staring down at the dolphins again so I snapped a photo of it. I edged towards the rail to peer down at the dolphins only to realize that underneath this part of the bridge was only rock, no water. I asked what everyone was staring at. “A dead body” someone replied. I didn’t believe them at first but there were a lot of police cars scattered around and about 4 or 5 were standing on the rocks looking down at something. They moved out of the way and that’s when I saw. I saw a mangled body wedged between two large rocks. A ball of a body completely and utterly broken between these rocks. I stepped back immediately but then I didn’t believe what I saw so I took one more look.

I walked away. I just started walking my way back to the bus in silence and numb because I didn’t know how to process what I just saw. I got on the bus and it hit me and I couldn’t stop crying. It took a lot of will power to not throw up. I was so incredibly nauseous the entire bus ride home. Something like that is something you hear about, but it is a completely different experience when you see it.

I later found out the man had jumped approximately 10-15 minutes before I arrived at that spot. I had been on the bridge during that time. We had shared a moment on the bridge together. We were there together at some point. If my day had worked 15 minutes faster than it had, I could have been one of the people to see it happen, and to call the police. And if so, if I was there, would I have said something to the man? Could I have stopped him instead of the heartless man that let him jump over the edge without a word?

There was a man there that saw him jump. He said he didn’t try to stop him because he knew it wouldn’t work. He had seen this happen before. I guess he was some kind of bridge suicide expert. But he stuck around to tell the story. Almost as if it was some exhibit of how fucked up everything really was and he was our fucking tour guide. But why wouldn’t you say something? What if this time, he would have responded? And if I was there, what would I have said? What would have I done? It’s a whole lot to swallow.

Later on I found out that Beth and Phoebe had seen a deer approach the body and run around it and then it ran off. This was by the ocean. Why would there be a deer there?

Beth recently had a dream about a baby and seeing death for the first time and there was a lot of red in it and so does the Golden Gate Bridge and she said the dream was very similar to the view of the man in the rocks. Last night, I had a dream about a baby and Lydia had a dream about being pregnant. We put these things together and found meaning in them. Perhaps this was a sign of rebirth and reincarnation. Maybe that is why the deer was there.

Tonight I processed my roll of film from today. The last photo on the reel is of some of the people gazing over the bridge. That photo contains a whole new meaning to me now than it did when I took it.

I’ll post the photos from today once I print them in the darkroom at some point.

If you read this, I’m really sorry if it upset you but it was just something I had to put down in words in hope to understand it better.

I don’t even know his name.

78

I want to live in an empty, open house with big windows, wooden floors and nothing in it but a mattress on the floor.

Tonight I was in the darkroom and I started to cough so hard I threw up. So in conclusion, I smell like fixer and puke.

78

So here is my dorm. I walked around and documented the little things so you could feel like you lived here with me. It smells a little but that is not my fault. I tried using my airwick air freshener scented lavender vanilla but grandma sarah says it irritates her so, no go.

77

So here are a few people. I think this describes a lot of friendships and personalities. Sarah Streat’s photo is dead on. She kind of just hides away in her grandma cottage above my bed. That flower is the tattoo Jack put on my face after I broke his heart. The photo with my eyes half closed is a documentation of my new sweater and my sick state. I basically coughed till I threw up today; it was really cute…Oh and that is my birthday crown, Angie made it for me, she’s quite useful. There will be another post shortly after this, I just wanted to keep it themed.

76

I feel like I’ve been here for years.

75

My room and campus and such.

There is Tea Time Tuesdays now and I’ve met some really sweet people.